First up we have episode 47 in Crash Course’s Black American History series with Clint Smith. In this episode Clint speaks about the origins of Rap and Hip Hop and how many artists in both genres brought attention and awareness to racism and many other social issues. Really interesting.
Next up we have a two-in-one ASMR video from ASMR Power Of Sound. In this video Matt does a scalp check with shampoo and an eye massage. Very, very relaxing.
Watching Crash Course’s Black American History series this week reminded me of this classic from Fugees Killing Me Softly With His Song. Such a great track and a great storytelling music video. Lauryn Hill’s vocal is stunning on the track. Really great.
Next up we have the music video for We Break The Dawn by Michelle Williams. Such a great beat to this track which Michelle sings amazingly. The music video is great, the dancing is pretty epic.
Finally for today, here is episode 13 in No Gorge with Violet Chachki and Gottmik. In this episode they watch Violet’s RuPaul’s Drag Race audition for season 6 of the show which was the season before she got on and won. Really interesting and fun.
I want to welcome you all to my new five-part series Gaslighting & Mind Games In Relationships. It is something many people face and which I have personally faced and continue to face. I think it is very important to talk about it because many people including myself have figured out what type of a situation we are in through openness about the topic especially from people who are in those situations or who have been in those situations. I hope that the series helps many realise they are not alone and that you are not the problem. So without further ado, let’s get to the start of part one.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a term many have heard but don’t fully understand. Partly because it is a term that was hidden away from mainstream activities for so long to protect those who gaslight others. In addition in more recent times it has become a buzzword for every time someone doesn’t like something someone said to them. This type of behaviour is quite dangerous as it takes away from the stories of real victims or whatever word feels comfortable to you. First of all, gaslighting is not a one-off incident. Certainly you can get a vibe off someone from something they communicate to you that suggests that in a longer situation they could be a gaslighter but one incident in and of itself is not gaslighting. Gaslighting is prolonged torment of someone’s mind which causes them to be confused and to doubt themselves. Whether gaslighters do this deliberately is up for debate but my own personal opinion would be that they know exactly what they are doing. However that is only my personal opinion but regardless of this, it does not diminish the pain and suffering it causes to its victims. Gaslighting is essentially where someone’s actions and thoughts are twisted regularly and over a longer period of time. It is a constant invalidation of their emotions and a dismissal of everything that is in important to them in a bid to control that person. It is for example on one hand telling a person that they are a troublemaker with people and then in another situation telling them they are nervous around people and struggle to stand up for themselves. Over time there is so many different negative things communicated to you that you begin to believe them all but you are also confused because you can’t be all of them. Many of the negative things gaslighters say to you contradict each other.
Common Gaslighting Phrases
The following is a list of common phrases gaslighters communicate but it is by no means extensive:
You are too sensitive
You are a troublemaker. We can’t go anywhere with you.
You find it hard with people, don’t you? I worry that you can’t stand up for yourself. I think you are nervous around people.
You are aggressive.
You want to be right.
You want everything your own way.
You like to shove your opinions down everyone’s throat.
People would laugh at your opinions.
You are too much.
I think you want me to shut-up.
You want me to approve of you.
You have no problem speaking up for yourself when you want to, do you?
I think you will have to see someone.
You will have to go if this keeps up. I won’t put up with this. You are destroying the house/family.
You get too easily upset.
You need to toughen up.
You need to grow up.
You are overacting/blowing things out of proportion.
That never happened/I never said that.
You are so paranoid. Oh my god, you really are.
I don’t want to be fighting. Here we go again. There is always something with you.
This is all your fault.
You want to blame me and I’m doing nothing to you.
You like to hear the sound of your own voice.
People would look at you if you acted like that outside.
If people seen you, they would agree with me.
You want to shock me.
I have a lot to put up with with you.
You like to play the victim.
I know what your game is.
You are so dramatic.
You are always doing everything wrong.
I really worry about you.
You are immature.
You are not responsible.
You always blame others for your own problems.
It is important to note that any of these phrases being used in a conversation or a debate or a fight now and again is not gaslighting but when this becomes a pattern it is gaslighting.
Why Gaslighters Gaslight
Gaslighting is at heart all about power and control. Its aim by the perpetrator is to destroy the confidence of the victim so that the perpetrator can control the victim and the victim’s life. The perpetrator aims to make the victim feel so unsure of themselves and their decisions that they rely on the approval of the gaslighter. The victim is in a sense of fear that what they choose to do, what they think and who they are is wrong. Is bad. Is cruel. They believe that their actions will hurt people when in reality they won’t. A gaslighter wants to destroy someone’s reality and make them not do the things in their life they want to do or would do otherwise. They want the victim to believe that they have no control over their life so that the victim loses control of their life. The sad thing is that the victim always has control over their life but they are scared of that. They think it’s best not to because they would only make a mess of things in one way or another. That is because that is what has been put into their head like a broken record for a long period of time.
How Gaslighting Becomes A Vicious Circle
It becomes a vicious circle for a few reasons. Firstly it’s repetitive and anything that’s repetitive can get into your mind and make you believe it. It’s frighteningly effective. Secondly I mentioned earlier that there was a level of confusion where they tell you things which contradict each other. This confusion makes you go around in circles too. What you need to remember is that none of the things are true. They are simply angles which fit the gaslighter’s motive in that particular moment. If that doesn’t work, the other negative thing about you comes out even if it completely contradicts the other. The thing is that confuses your mind because you wonder which you are, are you all of these things? And that’s the point of why they do it. Once it gets in on you, it can be difficult to break that cycle but not impossible and breaking that cycle may not come all at once. It might come in parts so try to be patient (coming from the least patient person ever! :-)). Gaslighting is also very subtle which helps make it a very vicious cycle too. Because it’s so subtle, you believe you are imagining that anything major is happening until you find out more about it. When you do, the walls of gaslighting begin to crumble.
How Gaslighting Feels
Intense and suffocating are words which come to mind. On a regular basis, you know something will happen. Even if it doesn’t happen every day, a house where gaslighting is present is very tense. You are on edge about communicating the wrong thing because it gets twisted so quickly. It can make you feel confused, sad, guilty and all sorts of negative feelings about yourself. You can think you are everything negative under the sun. But if you are still in the situation but no longer believing it, you still have emotionally-drained moments and a feeling of being tense. Gaslighting can leave you reacting in a lot of ways but probably two main ways and maybe the ways change at different points for you. Sometimes people debate with the gaslighter and sometimes people close up and protect themselves by playing a part, knowingly or unknowingly, which the gaslighter approves of. There are pros and cons to both those options but what I’ve found is that doing your own thing but not debating much probably works best to survive and thrive but that’s not perfect either and not easy because a gaslighter does not want you doing your own thing. There isn’t really a right way but if you find yourself in that situation, very difficult as it is, retrain your mind and cancel out the negative. When you do that over time, a confidence will emerge which makes you better equipped to deal with the situation and to loosen that control.
First up here is a live performance of Ain’t No Body by Chaka Khan from NeoFunkyman1’s channel. Really amazing. 🙂
Next we have Louie Spence’s performance from the National Television Awards in 2011 to Boogie Wonderland by Earth, Wind & Fire and The Emotions. So good! 🙂
Next we have Morgan Freeman reciting the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley and talking about how it was so important to Nelson Mandela on the Charlie Rose show and from Best of Humans YouTube channel. So powerful and what a memory Morgan has! 🙂
Next up we have Donayale Luna: The First Black Supermodel You’ve Never Hear Of from B’CentricTv’s YouTube channel. It was so interesting to hear Donayale’s story and the legacy she has left and how she inspires many other black models to this day. Really, really interesting.
Finally for today here is episode 12 of No Gorge with Violet Chachki and Gottmik. In this episode we have some boy gossip including an update on the locksmith from a previous episode. Really fun.
First up we have episode 46 in Crash Course’s Black American History series with Clint Smith. In this episode Clint speaks about when Anita Hill came forward in 1991 about Clarence Thomas sexually harassing her when they worked together. Clint speaks about how the case started many discussions about both race and gender. Really informative episode as always.
Next up we have Affirmations for setting boundaries and learning to say no to your boundaries being put upon and to negative self-talk from Ayesha Noelle | Affirmations. This is such a helpful video which really helps you in empowering yourself. Excellent and very relaxing too.
Next up we have another session from Jessica from Reiki Healing Hope where Jessica plucks away your problems and gives you amazing advice. The session gives you great strength moving forward. Very relaxing and helpful. As always so amazing.
Next here is the music video for Gimme Your Love by Morcheeba. The song is really catchy and beautiful and the music is so stylish and well put together. The whole video is just so visually stunning from the clothing to the make-up to the way the shots are taken and everything. It’s just superb.
Finally for today, here is episode 11 of No Gorge with Gottmik and Violet Chachki. In this episode they watch Gottmik’s audition tape for RuPaul’s Drag Race season 13 and react to it. Very entertaining and interesting as always.
First up here is Jessica from Reiki Healing Hope with a relaxing ASMR session which includes plucking and pulling out of your stress, reiki symbols and helpful advice, gratitude and affirmations. Excellent as always.
Next up is a relaxing scalp check, treatment and hair trim on Afro/Kinky hair from Nadia at Relaxing Sleep ASMR. Amazing.
Next here is Pabllo Vittar’s music video for Amor de Que. Great music video and the song is such a bop.
Next up is Lizzo’s performance of About Damn Time/2 Be Loved (Am I Ready) from the VMAs from the MTV YouTube channel. Just brilliant. I really enjoyed this performance.
Finally for today here is episode 10 of No Gorge with Violet Chachki and Gottmik. In this episode they talk about their pet peeves. As always very entertaining.
First up we have episode 45 in Crash Course’s Black American History series with Clint Smith. In this episode Clint speaks about the Los Angeles Uprisings and the Watts Rebellion. He speaks about the murder of Latasha Harlins and the violent attack on Rodney King and the racism faced by black people in California and throughout America. Clint speaks about the importance of language and how it can be used to discriminate and to stop progress. Another brilliant and informative episode.
Next up we have episode 9 in No Gorge with Violet Chachki and Gottmik. In this episode they talk about Sex, Gender and Red Flags. In the episode we hear about their romantic encounters and the locksmith story. Really fun.
Next up we have a disco classic with the music video for Disco Inferno by The Trammps. Such a great track to dance to, a really great beat. And what an amazing vocal. I adore this song and music video. A great performance music video.
Next up we have Enrique Iglesias’ music video for Hero. This definitely takes me back! 🙂 A really romantic, beautiful song sung with lots of passion and a very storytelling, cinema-style music video. Excellent.
Finally for today here is Brian Kennedy with the music video for Life, Love and Happiness. This song is so amazing, really uplifting with a very hopeful message. Very storytelling too and Brian’s vocal is superb on the track. The music video is visually done so well with all the colours.
First up from Mind Body Soul’s YouTube channel , here is more than 100 I Am affirmations for strength and confidence in a session called Be The Tiger. Amazingly relaxing and empowering.
Next we have an advice and pulling and plucking stress away session with Jessica from Reiki Healing Hope. So relaxing and helpful. As always excellent video from Jessica.
Next we have an amazing poem called Dreams by Langston Hughes. It is from Charles Belfor’s YouTube channel where Charles reads the poem and adds music to accompany it. Such an incredible poem by an amazing poet and well read. The music works well with it. Really superb.
Next we have episode 7 in No Gorge with Violet Chachki and Gottmik. In this episode they go to a haunted house and there is a lot of screaming and shouting. They also have great Halloween costumes which they head to the haunted house in. Very entertaining, fun and enjoyable.
Finally for today, here is episode 8 of No Gorge where Violet and Gottmik talk about their Halloween tour and about Violet’s accident on stage during the tour. Thankfully she made a great recovery and was alright. They also show us some videos from behind the scenes on the tour. Really interesting.