Pansexuality & Me

In October 2015, I realised that I was pansexual. Pansexual, for anyone not aware of the term’s meaning, is been attracted to men, women and non-binary people. It took me a while to work out that I was and a lot of the reason for that was because I had this belief that at 25 I should have known by now. That’s an important thing I want to say here: you are never too old to figure out your sexuality. It doesn’t mean you are “immature” or “slow to figure things out”. While I do believe that we are all born with our sexualities I don’t think, no matter what someone’s sexuality is, that there is a fixed age to find out. I was attracted only to guys growing up so I thought I was straight. I hadn’t knew or knew of anyone who was non-binary growing up so it wasn’t a surprise when I was attracted to people who were but I did know a lot of women so that was confusing. You hear people saying from an early age they kind of knew and my experience doesn’t follow that traditional path. So I was confused by feeling feelings for women that I had never felt before but then I realised that what it comes down to is that I hadn’t been aware of a woman who I felt like that for before. When you do feel strong feelings for someone you just know.

I can imagine that if someone had a “preferred sexuality” (which I don’t think anyone should have) that it would be a scary experience. But I didn’t really care. I just was so confused that I just wanted to know. Unless you have been through an experience where you have been trying to figure out part of your identity it’s hard to explain. You find yourself walking around in a blurred haze and your brain very often is trying to piece things together. You are actually worried someone will ask you what sexuality you are and you’ll have to admit you aren’t sure. Which goes back to the age thing again. I was scared I’d sound “thick” by admitting that because I thought people would think I should know. This sounds mad in hindsight because who is going to actually ask you your sexuality out in the middle of a casual conversation? Not too many would.

Again to really understand this it’s something you’d have to experience but when I realised a sense of ease came over my shoulders. It was like there had been a stress on me that I hadn’t even realised was there. It was a very liberating feeling, like a new chapter, like life was there and to be lived. My sister was great in listening to me rabbiting on about the process of finding out and then when I did. We don’t really have prejudices. She respects me as pansexual and I respect her as straight. I wouldn’t say I came out to my sister about been pansexual. It was a very casual conversation and that’s a really nice reflection of the times. Not everyone has that experience even nowadays though which is very sad. I never told my mum though. Mainly because pansexuality is not very much in mainstream media and my mum gets nervous of things which are unfamiliar shall we say. I don’t think she’d care if I was gay or bisexual but it would still be a lie so I leave it as straight because it’s better to tell one lie than two. Because if pansexuality ever does go more mainstream it would be less confusing to go from straight to pansexual then straight to bisexual to pansexual if that makes sense.

A lot of people don’t know what it means but most people when they do are respectful. The fact that it is pushed under the carpet a lot I hope doesn’t feed a prejudice towards pansexuality. There’s also a lot of misconceptions which surround pansexuality. I don’t fit into a lot of the stereotypes. For example I don’t have a preference for what gender I go for. My preference is someone’s personality. That doesn’t mean I’m “gender-blind”. I don’t really like that term to be honest because when I like or love someone I like everything about them and that includes their gender. I don’t think most people who use that term mean it in a bad way but it can come over as totally dismissing someone’s gender. Another misconception is that someone who is pansexual has a high sex drive. Someone who is pansexual for example could be asexual too. I’m not exactly asexual but I’m somewhere in the middle. What is important though to remember is that there is people who are pansexual who have a gender they have a preference for and there is pansexual people who have a high sex drive. And all of that is completely fine too. What isn’t fine is putting people into boxes based on their sexual orientation. It’s not based on someone’s sexuality. It’s based on who that person is as an individual. Another misconception is that someone who is pansexual couldn’t be in a long-term relationship or be monogamous. I happen to be monogamous and I happen to be an old romantic who would love to settle down with the love of my life someday. But obviously there is people in every sexuality who would prefer to be free. I don’t believe in boxes been put on people. For example a person with a high drive who is pansexual doesn’t have a high sex drive because they are pansexual and someone like me in the middle or someone who is asexual shouldn’t have to face misconceptions about who we are because they are pansexual. But also it’s the ones who put the boxes on people who are the problem. Not the people who happen to fit into any of the stereotypes. I hear people, not just in regards of pansexuality but in lots of situations, blaming the latter. Things like “it’s because of you people think this” or “you are confirming the stereotype”. It’s hypocritical. The fight is supposed to be for people to be able to be who they are and if a person happens to fit a stereotype and that’s who they are we should be supporting that, not knocking them for it.

It feels like pansexuality is on the bottom rung of the ladder because it still isn’t widely known about in the media. I can understand how a person wouldn’t know about it. I think some people think it doesn’t exist or that we’re following a “trend” (like it’s a new high street handbag which personally I think is a weird way to think about feelings) or that we’re confused. I can say my feelings feel incredibly real, that sexuality isn’t a trend, it exists very obviously because peoples’ feelings match what it describes and ironically that it’s the first time that I haven’t been confused.

So what does it feel like to be pansexual? It feels like to be human.

Oh and I’m not attracted to frying pans. If you think that it says more about you mate than me. Just saying.

Poem: One Big Happy Family

Can you imagine a world of equality?
Good people do a lot.
Even those with not much interest in it.
A world where lines were not put up
On such small differences?
Small differences like:
Skin Colour.
Just imagine it …
Wouldn’t it be beautiful?
The reality is things are better
But could be perfect.
Sadly there’s too many people
Of the prejudiced wavelength
For that to become reality.
These bad people
And, no that isn’t oversimplified to say
Are putting blocks up to what will come.
They simply just delay it.
I may not live to see a world of equality
But some people will
And that’s the whole point.
One day we will be one big happy family,
Some of us have already joined the family,
The ancestors you could call us.
People will join automatically,
Other peoples’ hearts will change
And they’ll join too.
Some will choose not to
And that’ll be their loss.
Love, equality and respect
Are the way forward,
Someday everything else,
Well that’ll just be history.

The Red Dahlia By Lynda La Plante Review!

24-year-old Louise Pennel has been murdered and her body has been found by the River Thames. The press become interested in covering the case and call the case The Red Dahlia due to it’s similarities to the unsolved 1940s murder of another young woman called Elizabeth Short. Detective Anna Travis is on the case to find the killer in this Lynda La Plante thriller The Red Dahlia (Published in 2006, Simon & Schuster).

The book is excellently written with a variety of very different personalities all thrown into the mix. There is also an element of romance running alongside the main thriller plot with Travis and Chief Inspector James Langton as they try to unravel the case. There is many twists and turns to keep readers interests engaged throughout. The killer becomes very obvious quite a while before the end of the book which is the one flaw I did find but there is still many twists and turns as to the question of whether or not the killer will be brought to justice and the ending is brilliant because it’s not a typical ending. But I won’t spoil it on you.

La Plante’s writing style throughout is excellent. It is very down-to-earth, matter of fact and earthly. She writes it very naturally. The way she writes about how the press quite often make sensational headlines even out of tragedy is very true of so much press that surrounds us in real-life.

A brilliant read. Unputdownable.

Poem: Frying Pan

Oh my god,
The misconceptions abound!
It isn’t rocket science
So it isn’t a great sign.
Attracted to:
Men, women and non-binary people.
So if I’m pansexual,
1 2 3 …
Who am I attracted to?
“Frying pans?”, I hear one say.
Now I’m seriously losing the will to live.
“Could you be faithful to me?”, one asks.
Jumping ahead, ain’t you?
Never said I wanted to be with you,
Let alone be faithful to you.
But to someone else I will be.
And when I say that,
Just to be clear,
The someone else is not my frying pan.

Short Story: Ruby Shines

In celebration of Animal Day today, here is a short story I wrote called Ruby Shines. Hope you all like it.🙂



The sun shone brightly down on Ruby’s fur. The Toy Fox Terrier rolled over in the grass as her owner Laura and Laura’s girlfriend Kelly appeared in the garden to join her. Laura was holding a packet of ham in her hand.
“Ruby can dance. I’m telling you Kelly she can.”
“This I’ve got to see!”, Kelly replied, playful sarcasm in her voice.
Laura rolled her eyes and took some ham from the packet. She handed the packet to Kelly and walked over to Ruby.
“Should I get some Popcorn?”
“You’ll be laughing the other side of your face! This little baby is the next Anna Pavlova! She’ll walk competitions!”
“Right.”, Kelly said, raising an eyebrow.
“We’re practicing the spin at the moment.”, Laura explained.
She showed Ruby the piece of ham and moved it around in a circle which Ruby followed.
“Laura babe, you can’t bring a packet of ham on the stage at competitions.”
“I know that! But this is how it’s done at the beginning. She’ll get used to the idea and she’ll spin when she sees the hand movement without the treat.”
“Are you sure?”
“That’s how Susan from the up the road’s Chihuahua done it. She makes a heap of money with that dog dancing school of hers. And anything Susan’s little Perry can do, this little one can do better!”
“Nothing like a bit of friendly community competition.”
“Who said it was friendly?”, Laura smiled.
“Why do you want to train her to dance? Is now the idea of a pet old-fashioned?”
“Because I need money for … well for something. Rubsy is my only option. I can’t sing, I can’t dance but because the dog can I’ll go a long way. Besides look at her, she’s cute when she spins. The winner of the dog dance competition each year wins 2,000.”
“Can she do anything else?”
“How did I know the mention of money would make you interested?! I’m working on getting her up on her hind legs to dance.”
Laura lifted another piece of ham over Ruby’s head. Ruby looked up at it. Kelly struggled to keep in laughter. Life with Laura was never dull at least, she thought.
“That trick might take slightly longer.”, Laura sighed.

The competition was drawing nearer. Laura, Kelly and Ruby went out to the park to see Ruby’s progress.
“She no longer needs the ham or the clicker to stand on her hind legs. She just follows the motion of my hand now. Watch.”
Laura raised her hands high over Ruby’s head. Ruby stood up on her hind legs and began to move around.
“She’s dancing.”
“It’s two weeks to the competition. I should hope she is.”
Laura and Ruby did their routine consisting of Ruby dancing on her hind legs, pushing her legs off Laura, spinning, jumping through Laura’s arms while she was on her hunkers and going around Laura’s legs.
“We’re dancing to Under The Sea from The Little Mermaid. I’m going to have her come out of a plastic shell at the beginning. Saved up for that. Ariel, eat your heart out, eh Rubsy?”

The day of the local dog dancing competition arrived. The judges were in place. Animated chatter rang around the venue. Kelly took her seat in the crowd. It was worse she thought to be the girlfriend of the performer than to be the performer. Laura had worked so hard with Ruby. She couldn’t bear for it to go wrong.
Soon it was time for Laura and Ruby to take to the stage. Kelly smiled down a comforting smile to Laura before she began. Once they got over the first tentative steps, everything else flowed together brilliantly. There was a standing ovation, thoughts of winning. That was before Susan and Perry came on to perform and when Perry jumped over Susan the dream was over. Still second was a good result.
“1,000 I never had.”, Laura smiled,
“At least now I can get an engagement ring.”
“A what?”, Kelly replied, in shock.
“You heard me. Will you marry me?”
“Yes. Of course I will.”
As they kissed, Ruby jumped up on their legs.
“I think in her own way she’s excited by the news.”, Kelly smiled.
“Something tells me when we become parents she won’t be! She’ll miss been spoiled by her Mammies!”
Kelly picked Ruby up.
“Well you’re our only little child for now petal.”, Kelly said, kissing her head as they walked from the venue.

The Pearl By John Steinbeck Book Review!



Inspired by his interest in the philosophy of Carl Jung, The Pearl (1947) is a stunningly written and thought-provoking novella by John Steinbeck. Pearl diver Kino and his wife Juana go to the local doctor for help when their son Coyotito is stung by a scorpion. Denied by the doctor through racism and snobbery, he is understandably angry and worried about his child’s life. While Kino and Juana worry for their son, Kino finds a huge pearl which seems to be the solution to their problems. They could use the pearl to save their son.

Soon there is talk that this pearl is “the Pearl of the World”. It gains a prestigious reputation. Lots of interest is shown. So much so that Kino is attacked in their home and this prompts him to make the decision to get rid of the pearl. He tries to sell it in town. However it quickly appears that the system is corrupt. The buyers pretend to bid against each other but they are paid a salary by one man who they give the pearls to. After that he would resell them outside the village for a bigger profit. The buyers try to make Kino believe that the pearl is of little worth leaving Kino to decide to go to the capital in search of a better value.

Juana now sees that the pearl is only bringing greed and misery. In response she decides it has to go and brings it in the late of the night to return it to the ocean. Kino sees her and attacks her leaving her on the beach. This shows the evil forces the pearl has brought out which Juana has foreseen. On his return home he is attacked by a mystery man and in the fight he stabs him killing his unknown attacker. Kino believes he has stolen the pearl but it turns out that Juana has it. On returning home they find that their hut has been set alight and their canoe destroyed. They hide out in Kino’s brother Juan Tomás and his wife’s hut the next day before the family of three leave for the capital with the pearl.

On the trip, Kino sees some trackers that he thinks are following them. They find a cave to hide and to wait for the trackers to catch up so that Kino can kill the trackers to ensure safe passage to the capital. The trackers hear Coyotito crying and one of the trackers shoots in that direction. Although Kino kills the attackers,  they soon realise that Coyotito has been shot in the head. In the morning, Kino and Juana go back home to La Paz with Coyotito’s dead body and Kino throws the pearl into the ocean.

The story is a very sad tale of how greed impacts upon life and the vanity of that greed. The greed and jealousy of so many of the characters like the buyers, the doctor and the trackers is shown throughout. What began as a quest by Kino to save his son’s life ultimately leads ironically to his son’s death. The pearl has turned him into a murderer as well. It shows that wealth may not be the answer to problems but can often be the cause of many problems which beforehand did not exist. It shows the importance of love and family over wealth and power which is no more poignant than when Kino and Juana arrive back in La Paz with Coyotito’s lifeless body and when Kino returns the pearl of darkness to the depths of the ocean bed. The ending reminds us all, if we ever needed reminding, that our wealth in life is really those we love and without them life feels meaningless.