First up here is all the dances from week four of Strictly Come Dancing. Lots of great dances once again like Rose’s and Giovanni’s dance which warmed my heart because I work at a thrift store, Judi’s and Graziano’s very emotional tribute to Judi’s late parents and Sara’s and Aljaž’s absolutely superb tango.
Secondly here is the full fifteen questions of the first ever millionaire winner Judith Keppel on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire in the UK. I remember watching her amazing win at the time when she won and it’s so amazing. She was so brilliant.
Lately I have started watching Bob Ross’ show The Joy of Painting on YouTube and it is so amazing. I feel like someday I could actually paint by watching these shows and it is also so relaxing to watch Bob paint. Here is episode one of season one where Bob helps you paint a walk in the woods setting and starts you off with all the basics you need to know.
I just love this version of Dolly Parton’s Jolene by Lil Nas X from the BBC Live Lounge. Jolene is one of those songs we all know so it was incredible to hear such an amazing cover of it. Absolutely loved this. Fantastic job.
Finally for today, also from the BBC Live Lounge, here is Lizzo’s great cover of BTS’ Butter. So wonderful and fun. Such a great version.
Here is another poem from my character Mitch’s perspective. I didn’t actually plan on writing this one. I was writing some emotional scenes in the book and listening to Adele’s amazing comeback song Easy On Me on loop and it kind of just flowed out. Writers will understand what I mean, I’m sure! 🙂 I do promise that Mitch has a lot of happy moments too which will appear in later poems, just I’m writing a lot of the sadder moments at the moment. Hope you all like the poem. 🙂
I look at my reflection in the mirror,
bags are under my eyes,
I am starting to look my age,
all my life I have had people
blame me for things I wasn’t to blame for,
learned early life wasn’t fair
but now I am blaming myself,
I brought these children into the world,
into this situation,
that wasn’t fair of me,
I just want them to love themselves
but I know how hard it is to in this life,
I just should have thought of the consequences,
I shouldn’t have been so goddamn trusting
but I was young and he was charming,
he swept me off my feet
and then he changed,
he became like my father,
now things are so complex,
conflict and tension,
fear and mind games,
my husband and father telling the kids to ‘toughen up’ one minute
and the next that they are ‘hard on people’ when they show their beautiful hearts,
back then I had dreams of this family Nate and I would have,
we would encourage and support them,
never teach them to be needlessly fearful,
to know their worth,
to love themselves,
I had all these good intentions but I was naive
and because of my stupidity my children are going to grow up unsure of themselves,
battling through circles of emotions,
I was such a fool,
made so many mistakes,
accepting Nate’s date,
taking him back,
letting him talk me into Dad coming into the kids’ lives,
whatever I felt about Dad I realised I was being selfish
to stop them from seeing their grandfather
but there was a reason I didn’t want them to,
his values are going to make them as unhappy as they made me,
I am drowning slowly in this mess I allowed to happen,
if I sink I can’t help my children to become the beautifully thoughtful adults
I know they can be,
I can’t sink,
I can’t afford to,
I look back at my reflection,
yes I was lacking in life experience once upon a time,
walked into things like a deer in the headlights
but I’m not that young man anymore,
I forgive that young man for the mistakes he made,
now I’m older and I need to act it,
I need to protect my kids from the senseless pain
they would face and tell them each day that
they are wonderful just as they are whoever that may be,
I need to get us out of here before they believe they are things they aren’t,
before Nate and my father project things about themselves onto them,
they are too young to understand their motives,
I’m old and I know the damage it will do
so I need to be responsible,
let Nate and my father say what they want about me,
they have said it all before,
my skin has hardened,
I am too old to be scared,
at least openly,
my children need me
and nobody is going to stand in the way of their happiness,
their wellbeing being excellent,
to have a reasonably carefree life
and a father who they can come to about anything
without worry or shame,
my father always said I like to win,
Nate said so too
but they are wrong,
there is no winners and losers here,
it was never a contest,
I tried to fight for my own happiness
and peace of mind because I was hurt and scared,
looking to be loved unconditionally in all the wrong places,
no one wins,
no one loses,
my kids get their beautiful future
and they know that I love them unconditionally
and that’s the only thing I am interested in,
the only thing since I held each of them in my arms
At the moment I am writing a book with my character Mitch, book as yet untitled, so there is probably going to be a lot of poems from his perspective or by other characters in the book over the next while because the book is a big part of my life at the moment and is therefore inspiring a lot of poems. I hope that you all like them. This particular poem is inspired by Dermot Kennedy’s Better Days and is told from the perspective of Mitch’s best friend Vic. Their friendship always melts me because they adore each other and are always there for each other. Hope you all like it. 🙂
‘You need to see someone’,
‘You are too sensitive’,
‘No one can say anything to you’,
‘I meant no harm’,
‘You want to be right’,
‘You want your own way’.
‘You are childish’ …
I listened to my friend Mitch saying these things
which he heard over and over when he lived at home
among countless other things
and I could see why he was affected,
why he found it hard to express his opinion,
why he found it hard to think people could like him,
could think he was good at things,
he has been told the opposite too often,
‘I felt guilty’, he says, shocking me,
‘For what?’, I ask, taking his hand in mine,
‘Because I thought I was bad.’, he replies,
‘That I was hurtful to people’,
I have heard it all now,
‘The problem is you are too good of a person Mitch,
you were even worried you were hurting your father
but he was the one saying you should see a shrink and all that stuff,
the mind should never come into anything to win a debate’,
‘It sounds all wrong to me Vic but maybe he meant no harm’,
‘Mitch, what you are describing is emotional abuse, you do realise that,
His eyes widen,
clearly the thought never crossed his mind,
I sigh and squeeze his hand,
gentle tears fall from his eyes,
I wipe them with the fingertips of my free hand,
‘Mitch you are none of those things,
your father said those things repeatedly to control you
and I am so happy you got out of there
and now you can move on with your life’,
‘It’s not that simple, I’m nervous, uneasy
with people …’,
‘They aren’t thinking anything bad about you,
not everyone is like your father sweetie
but of course it’ll take time but you aren’t alone,
it will be ok if no one told you that,
you are alright of a dude if no one told you that
but promise me something?’
‘This guilt thing has to be thrown away for good,
you have nothing to feel guilty about,
you never have
and I love you to bits like lots of other people will,
Here is my latest Beauty On A Budget look. Hope you all like it. 🙂
Use Miss Beauty London’s Ready Set Go! powder on your face and neck. Brush eyebrows and put the black colour from Miss Beauty London’s Eye Brow Kit on your eyebrows and under your eyelids. Put the pale green colour from Max & More’s 12 Color Eyeshadow Palette on your eyelids. Put the white colour from the same palette in the corner of your eyes. Put Miss Beauty London’s False Lash Effect Mascara – Black on your eyelashes. Put on OG Outdoor Girl Blusher on your cheeks.
Put the dark purple colour from Max & More’s Baked Eyeshadow palette – Burgundy on your lips and cover with Miss Beauty London’s Lipstick Sealer.
Firstly we have episode 21 in the Black American History series from Crash Course with Clint Smith. In this episode Clint discusses the case of Plessy v Ferguson, the Separate Car Act and the Committee Of Citizens. Very informative and interesting.
For the Strictly Come Dancing Movie Week the dancers performed a dance to music from In The Heights for the start of the results show. So much fun and all the dancers done amazing especially Cameron Lombard.
Next up is all the dances from Strictly’s Movie Week. There was a lot of great dances this week. John and Johannes absolutely smashed it. Rhys and Nancy’s routine was epic. Rose and Giovanni’s dance was very beautiful. AJ’s and Kai’s dance was beautiful too. They were the standouts for me this week but yeah, lots of great dances.
Next here is Mikeekee’s sixth RuPaul’s Drag Race compilation. I love these compilations. Always fun.
Finally for today, here is Dermot Kennedy’s Better Days. This is a great music video for a really excellent song. The storytelling in Dermot’s vocal is simply stunning and it is a very relatable song. Absolutely beautiful job.
Here is my latest Beauty On A Budget look. Hope you all like it. 🙂
Use Miss Beauty London’s Ready Set Go! powder on your face and neck. Brush eyebrows and put the black colour from Miss Beauty London’s Eye Brow Kit on your eyebrows and under your eyelids. Use the dark pinkish-purplish colour (the colour under the pale pink colour) from Max & More’s Baked Eyeshadow palette – Burgundy on your eyelids. Put Miss Beauty London’s False Lash Effect Mascara – Black on your eyelashes. Put on OG Outdoor Girl Blusher on your cheeks.
Put Simple Pleasures High Shine Lip Gloss in a pale pink shade on your lips. Put Miss Beauty London’s High Shine Lip Gloss – Show Off on your lips. Blend the two pink lip gloss shades together and put Miss Beauty London’s Lipstick Sealer over them.
This is the fifth part in my 12-part series The Inner World Of Bullying.
What Bullying Feels Like
Being bullied is one of those experiences which you don’t know what it’s like unless you’ve been through it. You go into a situation where you are just being yourself with all good intentions and you soon find yourself in this relentless spiral. It is usually every day which you face some form of abuse whether it is verbal, physical or otherwise and you feel like you can’t break out of it. It feels very unfair, hurtful, embarrassing and awkward. You see other people not facing the same things you do and while you are happy for them, you don’t understand why you have been targeted. But a survival technique comes into you and you feel like you must battle through to get to some better time and better place where things won’t be like this anymore. You keep your dreams in your focus and they keep your spirits up that this won’t be forever. Still the days while it is happening are long and difficult to get through. You want to just go about your business, do your thing but when you come into a situation where your bullies are present you can’t avoid the taunts and the cruelty which they are always ready with and afterwards you often have to gather yourself together to fight through once more. Though difficult, you go through time after time of getting back up and fighting through once more. It takes its toll on your mental health and even if it doesn’t affect you completely at the time it often does after when you have time to process all that you have been through.
Bullies Like To Find Your Weakness
Bullies like to find what they perceive as your weakness in order to exploit it. If they find out you are lacking in confidence about your appearance for example they will target that. If they find that you are very protective about your family and friends, they will make comments about your family and friends. You have to be constantly on your guard with them and it is maybe one of the reasons why people who have been bullied are overly guarded later in life. Yes, I can confirm that happens. There is a sort of a poker face I suppose you do without ever learning how to do it in order to survive and not give them any ammunition. The problem down the line is that you can tend to do that with people you don’t need to do that with but when you face people who are not for your good it can be a useful skill to have. Still it would be better to learn it under other circumstances.
You Find It Hard To Express Yourself
I often wonder what type of a person I would be if I wasn’t bullied and if I didn’t face other trauma I faced. Would I be more confident in putting across my opinion? Certainly I am not the best person at doing that in daily life or in a group situation. Honestly if I didn’t write my opinion wouldn’t come out very much apart from my chats with my sister who I can talk about anything with. It is a shock to me when people value anything I have to say because my confidence in what I think and say has been lowered by my experiences. Am I boring? Am I a troublemaker? Does what I say even make sense? Is things I say wrong? It is a shock to me or as my sister says a culture shock to me when I hear people being at ease having their opinions. Like having a cup of tea or something. I’m delighted for them and I admire them but I don’t know how they do it. Nowadays we live in a very opinionated world and I adore it. The joy I feel at witnessing people fighting for the rights of themselves and others is immense. It makes me so happy beyond words. But I definitely feel I could have contributed my two cents much more if I wasn’t so damaged in certain ways by the bullying and all the other trauma. I know that’s the aim of people like that and I fight against that the best I can. The thing is though that bullying and facing trauma make you extremely passionate and when I get out of my fears those bad people with badness in their minds about people won’t know what has hit them.
Be Strong, Opinionated, Good And Kind
We are not taught in this world often enough that we can be all of these things if that’s who we are and how we want to be. But it’s so true. Bullies play on your quality of kindness and your fear that by standing up to them you are being unkind to them. You are kind, you don’t need to prove it. If someone is bullying you or by extension abusing you in any way or being discriminating or ignorant towards you or anyone else, you have every right to stand up for yourself or someone else. It says absolutely nothing about your kindness and your goodness. Be confident and know you are kind and good and that you have every right to stand up for yourself and others who you see facing terrible things. Being strong is good too and having your opinions, from someone who struggles with that, is good when you are trying to help yourself or someone else facing unprovoked abuse. I forgot that I could be strong, opinionated, kind and good all at the one time and I know that is a source of many people’s mental health problems. You can be all four and I admire the combination you have so much. Never believe the lies bullies and abusers tell you. You do you and be happy. There is so much hurt in this world, you are valuable and your goodness helps so many people out there. Keep going.
Confidence Is Key
Bullying plays on our confidence. It can be unfortunately very powerful in doing so. Because of that it is vital that we try our best to keep our confidence as well as we can. This will help us with our mental health and our feelings about ourselves. Keep telling yourself how amazing you are and drown out all that untrue negativity. When doing that over time your confidence will grow stronger and stronger and you will become unstoppable against their bullying and hatred. You don’t need to show them hate in return because that’s not you but keep your confidence up. Protect yourself, that is far more vital than worrying about their feelings. They put their feelings first, you put yours and you’ll be on your way. Gaining confidence is not a race though so take your time and take pride in your progress and achievements.