This blog post is about an experience I went through. A terrible experience I went through. I want to talk about it because many people out there might have experienced the same thing and I want you to feel less alone.
I had been getting doubts for a while about things but I had been putting them to the back of my head. I am pan and omni and I faced gaslighting. I felt trapped and that led to me to feeling suicidal. I felt trapped because people were prejudiced and ignorant towards me directly and indirectly and while that was not said to be alright, the gaslighting said in its traditionally roundabout way that I had no right to defend myself and if I did I was as bad as or worse than the people being prejudiced or ignorant. I can’t stand ignorance and prejudice but I will say in comparison to gaslighting, they aren’t as bad. Because gaslighting is effectively bringing someone down or kicking them when they are down or often a mixture of both. I don’t know where gaslighting originally stems from but I would hazard a guess that the idea of someone being not compassionate because they won’t put up with shit doesn’t help. That only makes you feel like you should put up with gaslighting and one third of my brain did feel I should. I can’t even begin to imagine how it feels to have more of your brain thinking that.
I sat in the living-room of my home one night with my hands around my throat and I thought I would go through with killing myself. I was surrounded by a society where so many times I would see someone calling someone out for ignorance or prejudice and they were made out to be the bad person, cruel, in order to save the ignorant and/or prejudiced person and I felt like life was meaningless. Anyone could say what they liked and in order to be alright of a person, I was expected to accept that, be ok with it, be totally understanding. My mind was so screwed with that I was guilty for even feeling that the ignorance, prejudice and gaslighting was wrong. I don’t know what made me see sense that night but I did. I realised that in this situation I was not the one in the wrong and I would not believe or torture myself with that any longer. Writing helped too. When I got myself alright, I wrote a short story which helped me but which I never published. I published a much more web-friendly version of it once but not the actual story from that night.
Since then, I have seen people talking on the internet about mental health struggles and sometimes I can read between the lines that where they are coming from is what I was feeling. But let’s be clear: some people have lengthy struggles with mental illness. I had one night. That fact was part of the reason why for a while I felt like my story was not something to talk about because I felt like an imposter even though I felt what I felt and I couldn’t deny that. Even for one night, it was hellish and I can’t even begin to imagine how awful it must be to go through that feeling of worthlessness on a regular basis. I want you to know that no matter what your story is you are not alone and no one deserves to feel that way.
I’m ok now. Very ok. It’s weird because that night which was one of the worse times of my life changed everything for me. I seen things so differently. Life wasn’t huge. I should do my thing, live my truth and I believe I have done that more since. I don’t wish for anyone to go through that kind of pain to get to that stage. I wish people could without doing so.
Life doesn’t change but if your attitude changes, everything changes. That might be hard to believe, and I would have found it hard to believe too, but it does. You will always get people who don’t give a fuck in one way or another but it doesn’t matter because in your life them and their shit doesn’t matter anymore.
It’s cliche but love yourself because when you do, you’re ok and set to unleash the potential that is within you. You don’t need to feel bad or frightened. If someone is insulting to you, however polite they put it, you have a right to feel insulted and to defend yourself. Don’t let them make you feel guilty for that ever.