I have took my time in writing this particular post because as well as referencing culture and the arts, it is a rather personal post I had to delve into my feelings and my past in a way that I don’t have to when reviewing a concert or doing highlights of a TV show or such. And that isn’t the most pleasant thing in the world to have to do. Especially when the part of your past causes you so much pain and remembering it can make you want to cry.
But the truth is that it was one of the best times of my life too as well as been a really sad time in my life and if I’m honest the greatness and glory and glorious feeling of the situation outweighed the pain and the hurt that accompanied it.
The first time that I ever seen unrequited love in action was with Craig Coates and Anthony Hutton in Big Brother in the UK. I adored the two of them and I was heartbroken that they found themselves in this situation. Watching them in the house and in the late night section (where let’s be fair they were always nearly the only ones up) I found their situation both sad and enthralling. Sad in a human sense. Enthralling in a TV sense. I thought Anthony handled it incredibly well, Craig not so much but I still understood that they were both going through something huge and I felt terrible for them both, a lot of the reason been because as contestants I had got to like them and I hated seeing the two I liked down. It seemed sad that two really nice people were caught up in a situation that in their own ways neither had any control over. I was sad for them but I didn’t understand. Not really. I was 16, I had never been in love. I didn’t know what that all-consuming feeling was like and how it took you over.
I have decided not to give the exact age I was when I fell in love because if by some incredibly slim chance the guy ever came across Culture Vulture Express, I don’t want him to know who he is. I’d die if he ever found out. I don’t know how he would react and I don’t want to freak him out. That’s the last thing I want to do.
But I fancied him from when I seen him. He was beautiful, nice, funny, confident and confident in how he spoke. He didn’t care what he said which is not something I’m that good at and I totally admired it in him. It isn’t easy in this world to be completely yourself on a daily basis and he did it with aplomb.
But it was lust at first. I can’t say I believe in love at first sight but I could be wrong. I’ve just never experienced it. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned about love is that it is unpredictable. You can’t predict how you’ll act, how it’ll take you over and when it will happen. When you will meet that person that you develop feelings for that are stronger for those you simply like or have a crush on.
But looks don’t make you fall in love with someone. Take note chaps out there. There has to be more and by that I don’t mean success necessarily or money. I mean personality and kindness as corny as that sounds. And a sense of humour doesn’t hurt either which he has in abundance. He was really nice to me. He is a nice person. Really warm, caring, considerate.
But it was never going to happen because like Craig and Anthony’s situation where Anthony was straight the guy I fell in love with is gay. So suddenly I totally understood Craig Coates’ feelings and what he was going through. But at least I wasn’t with him 24 hours a day. Though a part of me wanted to be around him all the time, it wouldn’t have been good for me. The more time I spent in his company the more and more I was falling for him. Falling harder and harder. And it was weird because before I met him I didn’t know what to expect from the future but now I didn’t want to think of him not in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I completely knew the boundaries and I understood completely that it was never going to happen. I wasn’t deluded. But more than that I respected him and in consequence I respected the boundaries of what we could be. I loved him too much not to. But I wanted so badly to be his friend. Partly to be in his life because I couldn’t bear not been, partly because I did like him as a person as well as a guy if that makes sense.
And yet my fear became true. I was far too shy to become friends with somebody so extroverted and it didn’t really work out that. And now he isn’t in my life at all and that makes me feel empty sometimes. To be honest that void is evident inside all the time but it just comes to the forefront at certain times.
But all that was still in the future as I got to hang out with him a bit, at one stage hold his hand, melt at his kindness, get turned on deeply by him, long to kiss his lips, laugh at his incredible humour, feel a protectiveness that was like a protectiveness that I had never felt for anyone before and most of all just spend time with him marveling and feeling privileged that we crossed paths for even a brief time. And that was all I needed to fall head over heels for him. He was easy to fall for. I cared for him. I wanted everything to go right for him. From small things to bigger things and yet trying not to show what I felt inside.
People would probably think it silly that I barely knew him and yet I fell so much in love with him but it was gradual, getting stronger and stronger all the time. And love is not a set pattern. You just know when you are feeling something different, something much stronger than what you’ve ever felt before.
That’s why I understand Craig and understand that locked up in that house with all those people watching and been 20 years old and having all those feelings inside him, it must have been absolute hell. I also understand Blaine in Glee when he’s in the unrequited love storyline with Sam or Tina when she was in the unrequited love storyline with Blaine. Though I think the one, though it’s not identical in every way, that resembles my own experiences most would be the Blaine/Sam story because Tina is a little bit deluded in it! And that wasn’t me!
I would like to end this blog by talking about the charming guy that was the guy I fell for. The only guy thus far that I fell for. Yes there’s been many crushes, many likes, even many really likes but no one managed to pierce through into my heart the way that he did. And I hope that though we are no longer in each other’s lives that he gets everything that he wants out of life and that he is truly happy. And maybe he might think of me an odd time as a girl he used to know and maybe a girl that was alright. I hope so.